I have always wanted to get better at journaling. When I was little I must have tried to start more than 20 diaries. I would begin writing, imagining all the memories I would leave behind to reminisce over or leave to my children, and then a week would go by. Next thing I knew it would be over a year later and I would feel like if I wanted to continue I would need a "fresh start". As pathetic as it may sound, I knew keeping a journal of my pregnancy wouldn't last and because I knew it would end up in the same way all my other journals have, I didn't even bother to try. Also: I began my pregnancy in the middle of teacher's college where I didn't have much of a life outside of lesson planning.
Here is what I can remember (because I know someday I'll regret not writing any of this down):
It was in January that Matt and I began talking about the possibility of having a baby. I was always apprehensive to talk about having kids because the concept felt so risky. I felt that wanting kids was for some reason selfish and because of the life stage we were in (not finished school yet and no careers on the horizon), it would be "foolish" - especially by the world's standards. As we prayed over it for a few weeks I thought about the Lord's sovereignty on life in general. We've had a number of family members and friends pass within the last year to understand that we cannot control the beginning or end of life. If God saw to give us the blessing of parenthood by beginning a new life then He would. As we prayed over this concept I thought about how fragile a desire like this was; if God gave us a child through conception there had to be complete trust in Him on how long our baby would live.
I meditated and prayed long and hard over Job 1:21 -
and he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord".
I tried to prepare myself for all possibilities I could think of including months of trying to conceive, miscarriages, etc. To be honest, I don't believe there is a way to prepare yourself for those things anymore. I can't imagine the reality of those circumstances no matter how hard I thought I could try. I know that my heart breaks for those that struggle and suffer with any type of grief over a child and I would want to show Christ's love to them only by His grace not mine.
After weeks of prayer, we felt confident in "not trying not to get pregnant". I have no idea why, and I hesitate to even question it, but it only took one try. With both Matt and I having different schooling placement schedules, and endless nights of sleep deprivation from studying and lesson planning there weren't many opportunities for us to be together. In February 2013 I told Matt that we should take a pregnancy test, just for sakes. On Valentines Day we made tacos for dinner, while discussing the possibility of being parents and how scary and fun it could be. I quickly went to take the pregnancy test we bought that day as soon as we were finished eating.
Waiting for the results felt like the longest few minutes of my life. The first pink line came up and I got excited and as soon as the second one (for some reason is much more faint) began to appear Matt just smiled like crazy. "We're gunna have a baby!" The rest of the evening was a complete blur to me. From that moment on we were parents!
As a little girl I never thought that I would be married and almost done university at 21, let alone pregnant!
